Woooooah blogging overloooooad! Slow DOWN already! Ok, ok. I'm sorry. It's just how things work. I'm a bit of a life binger: I do everything full on or not at all (eh hem, like...erm...blogging). So I'm on a little kick to be a better person in general, which means trying to get back into shape.
That's not to say homegirl has ever been "in shape". I think I had a few moments of being teeny but that's because of genes and the fact that I drank a lot in my 20s and didn't really consume much else. Works wonders! But you fall down a lot. But as the years have gone by, I'd say I'm definitely not "LA thin" anymore. Do you know there's actually that term out there? Girls can be thin in the midwest but they are definitely not LA thinnn. And when you say the "thin" in LA you have to elongate your nnn at the end. Makes it more smug and annoying. So I guess it's a good thing I'm not living in LA anymore otherwise people might talk. In New Zealand, I'm "tiny". If I complain that I've gained weight I'm scoffed at. But seriously - my pants weren't buttoning or zipping or any combination. I'd like maaaaybe get the zipper half way up and squeeze my remaining self in there and that would last...oooh maybe like 2 hours...and then the button, along with the rest of me would have freedom. Terrible feeling.
So, of course, being Bonnie Binger, I can't just exercise in moderation. Noooo. Why bother? It's all or nothing, bitches! All or nothing! So I've bought a bunch of Bikram Yoga classes because that made me feel good even though I haven't really been very motivated to go. If my Bikram Yogini is reading this, I SWEAR I'm coming back! But doing just hot yoga where you sweat your proverbial balls off (well proverbial in my case) can't possibly be enough! I need more!
So I bought the Turbo Fire dvd set. And have been going strong since Monday. Not long, I know, but shit's happening. Not like my pants fit any better yet. More like just realizing how I have pretty much lost all semblance of athleticism I maybe never possessed. I could at least get through a work out class without semi-dying. Not that it would be graceful and/or coordinated. Anyway, if you don't know about Turbo Fire, it's by Team Beachbody, those lovely insane folks that brought us P90X. I've never had the desire to do P90X at all. But then I was on Facebook and saw a chick who had a 30 day body comparison after doing this Turbo Fire thing and I was like holy guacamole! I NEED THAT! Of course my immediate thought is that I've bought the dvds aaaaaaaaaaan boom I'm skinny. Ugh so disappointing your whole ass doesn't fall off as you open the box!
So they give you this little work out schedule which is nice because you don't have to stand in front of your array of work out dvds while twirling your hair and go "which one do I wanna do today?" and then decide to go clean out your closet or order pizza. Nope, they make it pretty easy. And the first dvd I was scheduled to do was only 30 mins! I'm thinking, awesome! This is going to be such a cake walk! **Get it, I'm a chef, cake walk? Working out? My talents are so wasted!**
Well, anyway, I was wrong. I've never worked out as hard as these for even like 30 seconds, let alone 30 mins. And it was quite funny because the harder my little fat heart was beating the weirder my thoughts became. It was like the little devil on my shoulder started speaking to me, but actually forcing my brain to think what devil bitch was thinking. Like, being fat isn't so bad! Neither is cellulite! Mischa Barton has cellulite and people still think she's hot! Don't you want to stop and have a cookie? Or just the cookie dough? You've worked so hard already you don't need to go to the trouble of baking them! And then my normal brain would kick in and all of a sudden it's telling me you're so going to puke your fucking guts out if you don't stop! Seriously dude, stop jumping! If you knew you were going to do this why the FUCK did you have wine and fried food. I beforehand? Are you a total IDIOT?! I DON'T WANNA DO THIS ANYMOOOOOOOORE!
And then, just like that, it was over. The work out, not my crazy brain thoughts. But I had made it through. And I didn't actually vomit although I really thought I would.
And then the next morning I was so sore I couldn't even roll out of bed. I kind of had to slide out like undies on satin sheets. Chubby undies. Not sexy.
If you guys are nice maybe I'll post before and after pics. But I really can't promise that because who knows how long this exercise kick will last. Shane says I have to finish it because the whole set was like $100 and he's made himself my unofficial drill sergent to make sure I finish the whole thing. Which is 5 months long. Ooooooooooh I need to learn to do these things more quietly.
***But seriously, I would definitely recommend TurboFire especially for chicks who want to do something a bit hardcore. If I can not succumb to my own thoughts and quit mid-workout then I think it will be amazing for anyone. I'll keep you posted on my progress. And be honest if/when I decide to quit.***
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