Greetings Earthlings. We know it's been awhile. I have no excuse but complete and absolute aversion to this website. I have no real reason why, everytime I sat down to write, or thought about writing, my brain would go "oh nooooo no no nooo no." Like Phoebe from Friends, kinda. But more drawn out.
But I have been quite busy. I've been busy quietly studying the inhabitants of this land I now call home. Not the Kiwi BIRD. I don't know much about these birds because they're super endangered and they only come out at night and really only in highly protective prisons - but it's to protect them from us and ferrets and stoats and stuff. I'm not sure if they realize they're held captive.
Anyway, today I'm talking about Kiwi humans. I have been jotting many observations in a small notebook about these Kiwi people. Actually in a small notebook located in my head. I'm fairly certain these are all completely over-generalised and not super well thought out. But they are just "off the cuff", so to speak. So here we go.
1. Kiwis Can Fix Anything. There is an analogy about using no. 8 wire. I didn't even know what this was until our next door neighbors got locked out of their house and I witnessed my husband attach said wire to a long pipe, stick it through a window, around the key that was in the lock and unlock the FREAKING DOOR. I seriously need to go to boy scouts just to even attempt to keep up. They think I'm weird for not knowing how to light a fire. Who lights fires in California? The only fires I've ever been around are forrest fires and they're not as useful.
2. Kiwi Guys Have Great Legs. I know this because...
3. Kiwi Guys Love Short Shorts. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's all the rugby. But I am obsessed with Kiwi Guys' Legs. Yes, my husband knows this. He's got them as well. Here, let me show you what I mean:
Ladies, meet the All Blacks rugby team. I know these are professional rugby players and could seriously crush walnuts between those meaty thighs, but I'm serious. All Kiwi guys have great legs. Let's let the photo lead us to number 4:
4. New Zealand Has the Sexiest Rugby Team. Ever.
5. Kiwis Think Vegas is the Coolest Place in the World. Muslims go to Mecca, Kiwis go to Vegas. I've never met an entire nation who is so obsessed with the idea of going to Vegas. Either that or I've just met a shit ton of like-minded people. They even add "Vegas" into some of their more boring cities as a joke. "DannyVegas", "InverVegas" - Kiwis will know what I'm talking about.
6. Kiwis Are Shitty Drivers. Ok, I come from LA, land of the shitty driver. So I'm allowed to know one because I am one. The difference between shitty LA driving and shitty Kiwi driving is that Kiwis never exactly have a plan as to where they are going so they are never on that mission Angelenos are on. Like when you have to merge from the 110 to the 101 and you know you have like 20 seconds before you miss it and you have to basically hold your breath and pray that whoever you cut off is going to be alert enough to slam on the breaks because if you don't you'll be stuck in traffic for another hour until you can turn around and try it all again. (breathe). Yeah. Kiwis aren't like that. This is because Kiwis aren't ever in a hurry. Which leads me to #7:
7. Kiwis Are Mellow. I've realised that I am a highly strung person. I'd caught glimpses of this revelation in LA before, but I never really truly noticed the extent because I was surrounded by a bunch of other high-strung people. Moving out here has made me a massive pimple on the surface of very smooth skin. Gross, I know. Sorry, it was the only analogy I could think of. And Kiwis really don't tolerate highly strung people when they get really highly strung. Like when I get frustrated and turn all American on some poor person I can see their eyes slowly fade away. It's like they just turn off to it completely. I can imagine they only hear "blah blah blah blahblahblahhhhhhhblahablahblahblabhablhablahblaabohasllsh". I'm taking yoga now to become one of them. It's been really hard to not PLAN my entire day. No one really plans things here. You want to hang out with someone, you rock up to their house and see if they're home. If they are, awesome. If not, oh well. I come from a culture that is basically born with a smartphone calendar app planted in their brains. Even as kids, our parents set up play dates. Everything is scheduled. It's really weird to just...not. I have yet to get used to visitors coming by unannounced. Everyone has told me to take it as a compliment, because it's obvious people like me if they're stopping by. It just always seems to be at a bad time. Like, I'm walking around naked because I haven't decided what to wear, or the dog just shat in the dining room and the whole house has permated with the god-awful smell of dog poo. It's at these moments the doorbell will ring. I guess the good thing is that Kiwis really don't judge you on the state of your house, or me without makeup on (I draw the line with clothes though - I don't want any friend to judge me without clothes on!). So, basically, I'm adjusting to this.
8. Kiwis are the Friendliest People you will Ever Meet. I guess #7 makes perfect sense. Obviously Kiwis are friendly. The NZ passport has access to the most countries in the world without an entry visa - therefore they are the highest price on the black market. Honestly! Kiwis travel a lot because, let's face it, this is a pretty small island with not too many people on it, so most young Kiwis are encouraged to go explore. Everyone loves a Kiwi. It's just fact. PLUS because they travel so much, they are very open to travelers in their own land. A Kiwi will go out of his/her way for any tourist who asked him/her a question or has an issue. They are the type of people where honesty boxes are still about and a man's word is still worth something. The problem is that Kiwis can be really naive. I worry for Kiwis who come to LA. People will eat them alive. I want to protect them from all that is bad. They need to stay in Hobbiton and be safe from the evils of this world.
9. Kiwis are Friendly...Until They Enter a Grocery Store. Ok, I'm going to totally contradict myself now and say that Kiwis are quite possibly the meanest people upon entering a grocery store. It's so weird. I've literally been run down by old ladies on a mission to get their prune juice. And if you make eye contact with fellow shoppers and smile, they look at you like you aren't wearing any clothes. Maybe it's because I shop wearing no clothes. Kidding. Sorry, dumb joke. Maybe that's why they glare at me. For awhile I thought it was just me and they could sense my American-ness. See, I'm the dead opposite - while being slightly untrusting of people on the street, I become Miss America in the Question and Answer section as soon as I enter a the automatic doors of a grocery store - my teeth even make that "ting" sound as I smile. No one wants anything to do with it here, except for the guy who works the seafood counter. I've had many nice chats with him. He's the only saving grace to my shopping trips. My husband has backed me up on this. Apprently, Kiwis get a bit aggro when food shopping, he believes, because they see it as a chore they don't want to do. I guess in LA, people escape to the magical world of Trader Joes and Whole Foods because it's our only connection with the earth, the land. Out here it's basically in our faces, so why would people want to waste their time in a grocery store? So I get it. But it's still weird.
10. Kiwis Talk About the Weather. A LOT. Every single freaking day, at least 5 people will say some comment about the day's weather. I too, have come to make comments about the weather. Because the weather changes every 8 minutes. It's true. I guess having "weather" is new to me. Angelenos freak out if it rains for half a day. I have to keep telling myself, "It's green here because it rains. It's pretty because it rains." - it's my new mantra. Over and over and over again. No day is ever the same as the next. It's the Witman's Sampler of weather. Thanks, Forest Gump, now I get it. So, due to this constant change of climate and percipitation, it gives people lots to talk about. Unfortunately, it's given me a lot to complain about. However, a beautiful day is covetted by all - never taken for granted as they are in LA.
So there you have it. These are my top ten observations in my first year as a wannabe Kiwi. Despite the cultural adjustments I've had to make and the frustration that goes along with that, New Zealand is a truly beautiful and amazing place to live.
If you are reading this, Department of Immigration, I hope you will factor this in to my residence application.