Hi friends. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, does it not? Eh. I feel that sentiment is overrated.
Well, since my last post stirred up so many funny stories (they're funny now because they're in the past - isn't it so great that the shittiest day can yield a few future chuckles? It's like those savings bonds your parents' friends would buy you - when you think you're getting $50...ah silly, it's $50 in like 30 years once it's matured (I'm going to double parenthesis here just to say I f-ing HATE those savings bonds! They are a terrible idea for a kid's present. So don't do it. Get itunes gift cards. Just saying) - anyway so shitty days mature into funny stories later - the better type of savings bond. Oh. Forgot. One more ).
It takes a village to raise an idiot. And I'm fairly certain the city of Agoura Hills did well by me in that aspect. Remember when I mentioned I bought a $90 comforter for a homeless guy? Oh yes.
Let's cut back to a few years ago...a cold fall evening in Playa Del Rey (for those of you not familiar with Southern California just think Santa Monica, just a bit quieter). I had left work early because I was sick as a dog and dragged my nearly lifeless body to my local CVS to buy anything that might knock me unconscious for the night.
In typical Bonnie fashion, a homeless dude approaches me - apparently I have "total idiot" written on my forhead - he doesn't ask for the usual dollar or $5. No. He tells me he has diabetes and his feet are freezing, and that Mervyn's has blankets on sale. Oh. No. He got me with the feet thing. I don't know a lot about diabetes but I know it has something to do with feet - or doctors are constantly checking diabetic feet. Man. The little crazy person in my brain starts telling me, "well if I had diabetes and was homeless I'd surely hope someone would buy me a blanket... "
I bide some time by telling him I will get him something once I get my stuff from the pharmacy.
Once in I start looking for an emergency exit or maybe an escape slide so I can quickly sneak away and get to my car so I don't have to actually deal with this. Nothing. One way in, one way out. Damn.
I drag myself outside with a sigh and have my new homeless friend, Gio, walk with me down the road to Mervyn's. After talking to him for about a minute I realize he's not quite right in the head. Which made me feel even worse. I figure $20 will be money well spent to help this poor unfortunate guy out for a few months.
Ha. (cue Village Idiot. ie. ME).
But homeboy is SMART.
He gets me into the "blanket aisle" and by blanket I mean full bedding. And he heads right to a nice microsuede comforter and takes it off the shelf. I look at the tag and it says $180 and my eyes would have bugged out of my head had they not been swimming in mucus. Yeah, I was THAT pretty. I try to protest that I can't possibly afford that and he cuts me off and says, "no but it's half off - it's half OFF!"
See, if someone had been watching an instant replay of these events, they would have been able to have pinpointed the problem - Gio, my homeless "friend?" had managed to lure me into the store. I should have just thrown $5 at him while running past in order to escape the future predicament. But, I had no such referee watching my life, or if I did he certainly didn't see to come tap me on the shoulder and shake his head "nooooooo".
So cut back to me standing with a crazy diabetic homeless guy in a very quiet bedding aisle of Mervyn's and him screaming that his comforter of choice is half off. Ninety dollars. I have to actually type those words instead of numbers because that's how I was repeating this in my head. Niiiiiiinety dooooooooolllars.
There was no way I could walk out of the store and escape to my car and leave a poor alledgedly diabetic crazy homeless dude standing in Mervyn's with a comforter in his arms. Why, you ask? Because I'm an idiot. A mushy gushy hearted idiot.
So I grab the comforter and take it over to the check out. I almost wept as I handed over my credit card that was already too close to it's limit and was wracking my brain how I'd ever pay it off.
We head out together, my homeless dude and me, and I happen to realize I'm still carting the comforter in my arms - and this thing was heavy. Gio is telling me all about the name Bonnie - apparently he studied...something...and knew about the origin of names. I politely give him his comforter and tell him I'm very sick and need to get home. Then he changes the subject while still walking with me - telling me about some people who "let me stay the night with them".
Oh god. This isn't over! I've just thrown $90 at a problem that still lingers! He wants to come home with me! I'm totally going to be found face down in a ditch. Find a solution. Find a solution.
Cue Village Idiot.
I hand him my card and tell him to call me if he needs anything. What homeless person has a phone, right? Oh I'm so smug with myself! I managed to avoid bringing Gio back to my apartment and also managed to avoid looking like a total asshole.
I drove home, took enough over-the-counters to drug a horse and passed out, forgetting all about Gio and his comforter.
Until a week later....
I get a message on my phone from Gio. It said, and I quote,
"Hi, it's Gio. I wanted to see how you are doing. I'm sorry I haven't called - I've been really busy."
I swear to the high heavens a crazy diabetic homeless man somehow obtained a phone only to call me and....blow me OFF?!
I'll end it there to leave you with that. Any villages seeking an idiot? As you can see, I'm quite good at the job.